Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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