I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
