Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
