Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
