soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
