I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
