I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Enjoy the penises
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
