just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
