well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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