Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
