I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
