I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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