Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
