Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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