I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
