Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
