I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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