any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
