If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
then he tried to convert me to islam
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's blow job season.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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