He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
