Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
