She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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