so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
