ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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