the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
