bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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