I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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