just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
