I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
