just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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