i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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