Swine flu. Run for my life!
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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