let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I have tasted many bathrooms
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
