So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
