She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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