If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
