Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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