I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
