so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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