is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
