You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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