clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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