her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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