the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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