I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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