6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
