Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
