i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
