I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
