I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We have started to decorate penises.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
