I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Pants are for mortals
We need to get me chipped asap
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
