I can tuck mytits in my pants
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
