I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
