i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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